The wise old man

crocodileAn elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the crocodile.’

Moral: Old men may walk slow, but they can still think fast.

Blondes digging holes…

holeTwo blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, ‘I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it… why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?’

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, ‘Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team.

But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.’

The Cheap Hooker

hookerOut on a pub crawl, a bloke is wandering through Kings Cross when he spots a brothel offering the best girls in Sydney.

He asks for the cheapest girl available and is led into a very dark room. There he finds a woman lying on the bed – but as soon as he climbs on top and starts pumping, the hooker starts spitting in his face.

Furious, he sprints down to the desk and starts screaming at the receptionist, “that chick spat in my face!”.

The receptionist turns to a couple of burly bouncers standing in the doorway and says, “Hop to it boys, the corpse is full again”.

Fluck

banktellersAn Asian woman goes in to her local National Australia Bank Branch and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller ‘Why it change, yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?’

The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly….’fluctuations’.

The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says, ‘fluck you Aussies too’

The Blonde Going to Melbourne

bimbo_02434A plane is On its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down

The Flight attendant Watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
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The Cabbie and the Nun

nunA cabbie picks up a Nun and she gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
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Deck of Cards

One Could Dream…

A bogan walked into the centrelink office, marched straight up to the counter and said,

“Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”
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