Funny Movie Quotes

haha — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 12:24:27 +0000

“Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention.”

Harry Dunne / Dumb & Dumber

“If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!”

Ace Ventura / Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

“There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?”

Elaine / Airplane

“That sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing.”

Alvy Singer / Annie Hall

“You realize we’re all going to go to college as virgins. They probably have special dorms for people like us.”

Jim Levenstein / American Pie

Duke Henry: “I am Henry the Red. Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northlands and leader of its peoples.”

Ash: “Well hello Mister Fancypants. Well, I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things, right now: Jack and shit… and Jack just left town.”

Army of Darkness

“Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”

Ash / Army of Darkness

“I’m so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.”

Arthur Bach / Arthur

“You might be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.”

Austin Powers / Austin Powers: Goldmember

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It’s long, hard and full of seamen!”

Dr. Evil / Austin Powers: Goldmember

“She’s the village bicycle! Everybody’s had a ride.”

Austin Powers / Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

“The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe – women!”

Dr. Emmett Brown / Back to the Future II

“I arrived in America’s airport with clothings, US dollars, and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.”

Borat Sagdiyev / Borat

Cooke: “You scared, motherfucker? Well, you should be, because this Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!”

Matrix: “I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now, I’m very hungry!”

Commando

“Bastard Son of Barney! Die! Die, stuffed ball of fluff! Illegitimate Teletubbie! Die, you Muppet from hell! Die, you foam motherfucker.”

Rainbow Randolph / Death to Smoochy

“Dude, I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pube-less asses.”

Jason Mewes / Dogma

“So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast ‘em in the ass?”

Jay / Dogma

“I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.”

Rufus T. Firefly / Duck Soup

“Drive carefully. And don’t forget to fasten your condoms! …Seatbelts, I mean seatbelts.”

George Banks / Father of the Bride

“A condom is the glass slipper of our generation. You slip one on when you meet a stranger. You dance all night, and then you throw it away. The condom, I mean, not the stranger.”

Marla Singer / Fight Club

“Bullshit I can’t hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!”

Gny. Sgt. Hartman / Full Metal Jacket

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: “How tall are you, private?”

Private Cowboy: “Sir, five-foot-nine, sir.”

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: “Five-foot-nine, I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.”

Full Metal Jacket

“Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit! Get the fuck off of my obstacle! Get the fuck down off of my obstacle! NOW! MOVE IT!! Or I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, IF IT SHORT-DICKS EVERY CANNIBAL ON THE CONGO!!”

Gny. Sgt. Hartman / Full Metal Jacket

“What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn’t Mommy and Daddy show you enough attention when you were a child?”

Gny. Sgt. Hartman / Full Metal Jacket

“That’s enough; get on your feet. Private Pyle you had best square your ass away and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up!”

Gny. Sgt. Hartman / Full Metal Jacket

“I bet you’re the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass, and not even have the god damned common courtesy to give him a reach around.”

Gny. Sgt. Hartman / Full Metal Jacket

“I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you, you can come over to my house and fuck my sister.”

Gny. Sgt. Hartman / Full Metal Jacket

Janine Melnitz: “Do you believe in U.F.O.s, astral projections, mental telepathy, E.S.P., clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full-trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster, and the theory of Atlantis?”

Winston Zeddemore: “If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.”

Ghostbusters

Shooter McGavin: “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.”

Happy Gilmore: “you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?”

Happy Gilmore

“That is the whitest white part of the eye I’ve ever seen. Do you floss?”

Lt. Topper Harley / Hot Shots!

“You had sex with her didn’t ya, DIDN’T YA! You dunked your donut, you stuffed her like a Thanksgiving turkey!”

Fletcher Reede / Liar Liar

“If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down.”

Bernie Focker / Meet the Fockers

Elizabeth Swann: “There will come a time when you have a chance to do the right thing.”

Jack Sparrow: “I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?”

Jules / Pulp Fiction

“Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, “Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy.” She said, “Why did you say that twice?” I said, I didn’t. See, cuz of the echo.”

Hawkins / Predator

“You’re one… *ugly* motherfucker!”

Dutch / Predator

“Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.”

Bob Munro / RV

“FUBAR.”

Saving Private Ryan

“All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko / Sgt. Bilko

“You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkey fly!”

Donkey / Shrek

“Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Neville Flynn / Snakes on a Plane

“Name’s Barf. I’m a Mog, half man half dog. I’m my own best friend.”

Barf / Spaceballs

“So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time for the last time.”

Lone Starr / Spaceballs

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!”

Minister / Spaceballs

“You idiots! These are not them! You’ve captured their stunt doubles!”

Captain of the Guard / Spaceballs

“When I was a kid, my father told me, “never hit anyone in anger, unless you’re absolutely sure you can get away with it.”

Russell Ziskey / Stripes

“[W]e’re not homosexuals, but we are willing to learn.”

Russell Ziskey / Stripes

Trish: “[on the bed, kissing] Do you have protection?”

Andy: “I don’t believe in guns.”

Andy Stitzer / The 40 Year Old Virgin

“Oh for goodness sakes, get down off that crucifix, someone needs the wood!”

Felicia / The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

“You know what the trouble about real life is? There’s no danger music.”

The Cable Guy / The Cable Guy

“Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”

John Patrick Mason / The Rock

Tommy: “Did you hear I finally graduated?”

Richard Hayden: “Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too, all right.”

Tommy: “You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.”

Richard Hayden: “I know, they’re called doctors.”

Tommy Boy

“Good morning! And in case I don’t see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night.”

Truman Burbank / The Trueman Show

“Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?”

Wayne Campbell / Wayne’s World

Wayne Campbell: “Say, I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?”

Garth Algar: “Yeah, I definitely smell a pork product of some type.”

Wayne’s World

“You shut your mouth when you’re talking to me!”

Mrs. Kroeger / Wedding Crashers

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.”

Bob Wiley / What about Bob?

“I’m not bad. I’m just drawn that way.”

Jessica Rabbit / Who Framed Roger Rabbit

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Funny Movie Quotes